I'll come running to you now, baby if you want me

Listening to Velvet Underground probably more than is healthy lately. Especially Nico era. Long live the lovely heroin addicts.

Speaking of, some terrifying junkie kiddie pics on Gawker today that further scare my womb back into the black. Biology be damned, it would be my luck to birth a fire-breathing fundamentalist or one of those kids.

And to think, I used to find those kids adorable. hhmmm Sometimes I'm very glad we now spend our party nights just sitting on people's porches, high heels slung over our shoulders, long necklaces caught in our hair, holes in our tights. At least it's still romantic to me. More often though, we're in remnants of work clothes and shawls poking at the fires, sitting on coolers. What a wonderful world.

Working on sales reports before the weekend! yeao! Going to Ben's after work for some good old fashioned hole digging (no pun intended). His parents donated him a bunch of azaleas (like 15) and he'll need some help. I'm in a generous, wanting to work out in a good, earthy way mood. I will definitely regret this forever as it will abso-lutely screw up my bones but what's some extremely hard labor for good friends?

PS: I'm glad you wrote me back.

mother nature's a babe

This guy used to be the guy! A little birdie sent me this link and my heart just got light. I was really dumb to ever lose touch and it makes perfect sense that I just adore his paintings. Those artists always got to me. I hope he's happy in life now. I wish I had the nerve to write but you know, what do you say? Hey, do you by any chance remember me? Your baby blues were a big influence on who I dated later in life. I still have the drawing of Mother Nature framed and hanging in my bedroom, always have.

haha. young love. And I did, I loved them all. My girlfriends never understood but I couldn't just date someone for a free dinner (well, that one time). Everyone I've ever been with, friends, partners, more than friends, lovers, boyfriends, husband, I've loved. Some obviously more than others. All have taught me and I don't regret any of it one bit.

It's funny how some people I dated, torridly wickedly dated, I'm best of friends with now (or at least close to). Husband even likes some of them. Others, not so much. I find it fascinating what a person is willing to share about their life, their actual possessions. In that way you possess the people you love, I firmly believe that, whether you like it/want to or not. It might sound creepy but I think it's very true. If you're willing to go to those places with someone, be it a 6 year relationship, a blow job, or holding hands, you leave something behind, a little pearl of yourself, and vice versa. I strung a necklace of these pearls (and yes, I'm aware of the dirty reference). The best I heard it was that my name was a talisman. That's one way I feel about these pearls. Although where I may just be one, they are many (probably too many ha ha ha),,,

Sometimes I miss these guys, sometimes in real life, but most times on the other side of midnight.

Some people say I done alright for a girl

A smile I found. I'm wise enough to know not everything is always about me although it's definitely more fun and interesting to think that it is. I like my life, that woman be damned!

I absolutely love the song Brand New Key. It only helps that I've seen Rasputina and Dolly Parton cover it live. It's become my new mantra while I munch rice cakes and applesauce. Deep breathing exercises and forgiveness (that's me the next 2 weeks). And no alcohol or anything. Must. get gut. in order. But that's okay. I've gone longer sans l'alcool --(and that reminds me, I had no idea, but marathon reading Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Hell's Angels, and Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail are definitely helping. I'm so glad I gave up the drugs when I gave up the boys. I think it's only fun to read Thompson with a clean head)-- It's probably my time to DD anyway. The reward is a private brewery tour at Diamond Bear. Justin, I've got your number and it's up!

Burn is healing although I'm leaving a glistening trail of antibiotic ointment wherever I go. Nice.


Starting to party plan for the 1st Annual Wilson Holiday Fancy Party is getting me excited. I love entertaining and our house was so built for it. Hopefully we can get the broken couch replaced by then. No one likes to sit in the crack. Hopefully all my new chef, sous chef, restauranteur friends (go Beachboard!) will appreciate my humble crab dips and cheese balls. Somehow I think the party won't be all about the food. Trust that the irony is not lost on me that I have traded in men who paint for men who cook. If I can just get myself sponsored...

Piano fun times. I'm learning how to jam! (yes, one can download books on how to jam-isn't that terribly wonderful!?!)

is there room in my heart, for you to follow your heart

Bird of Paradise, come in.

Long deep breaths later, advice from my dad to get laid later, mah jongg and risk later, surprise iris and bubs later, a little walking the dog later, a later later, I feel much better.

to the sea of frozen words

Believe me, I'm still angry. Foot stomping cussing angry. And I know it's just my turn, my stage of grief. And I know I'll get over it. Forgiveness is my thing. Life's too short and all that. Forgiveness got me married. And if I can forgive myself, there's not anyone else in the world that I can't forgive. And that time will come but for now this woman has had me so upset for a month straight that I've given myself IBS or some crazy bowel shit (ha, literally). A part of my body I've always taken such strange pride in being healthy. I'm dropping weight like flies.

I can't eat without getting sick. I can't drink nothing without getting sick. I can't lie down, I can't sit upright. I can't slouch. Tums are my new candy. Pepto, my new milkshake. I can't cry about it I'm so damn angry but I can sure throwup, everywhere. And all it is is my anger. This rage I have at wanting this woman to leave well enough alone and just quit, stop, end. And she won't or she says she will but I don't believe her. And it's literally eating me alive. I'm so sick but I still can't cry.

I don't want to live anymore life curled up in a damn ball.

Teach me how to love my brothers // who don't know the law

So apparently all you have to do is give me flowers and I'm cool cucumber once again. Thanks, Husband. Thanks, Husband's parents.

To make matters better, I'm getting computer speakers!! Hot child in the city here I come!

My war wound of Turkey Day (a crescent burn at my right thumb-to-hand joint) is not healing so well and has gone from being not soo bad to pretty gross. I would post a picture but it's exactly that, gross. I really can't stand internet spontaneous gross outs, although I do love gross outs. It wasn't so gross until in my time off I decided to practice some piano scales and in seeing just how far my hand will stretch, the skin, well, stretched. You can only imagine. Now it hurts BUT I made some headway in learning my song that I've been learning since this summer. Piano took hiatus to life. I'm looking to get back into it now that the weather's too shitty for tennis and most fun outdoor activities.

Mostly it's a good way to work out my arms without knowing it.

Where do you go my lovely?

amaryllis

Thanksgiving was hell on wheels. It's always good to be around family. To be in LR and see friends. To cook my first solo complete Thanksgiving. But the drama, the drama I can do without and if I must (and I did) I will put my foot down and not invite it back into my home. I am too old for that shit. Seriously. I am still unwinding from it. I couldn't sleep and was so sick all last night that I slept until noon and missed work today. Which, honestly, I feel I needed.

We got the Christmas tree up (Ziggy Stardust meets A Christmas Carol-it's totally cool) and most of the other decorations up. In my day off today I'll be finishing holiday decorating things, planting my amaryllis and calla lillies, maybe finally seeing The Darjeeling Unlimited, hoping you'll write back. Those are the things I'd like to get done today.

My dreams were loving, unwinding, placing much needed desires in much needed storage. I kissed you a thousand times but for what this kiss, this circus kiss.

Boogaloo Dudes

Carry the news.

Trying not to stress T-day but man do I need to get out of here. A glass of vino. Fresh air. Cow manure. Something. Just can't breathe right now. Doesn't help my computer doesn't have speakers. Suckthis.


Knee deep in invoices and profit sharing quarterly reports and sales and outreach. I need music damnit!! I can't add without beats. I can't see trends without notes. I'm thinking I need a personal day or two.

I still can't breathe.

Wrote something about my dream last night and, apparently, sex. We'll see.



Aubade, my bad

(I’ll stand as a beacon. A pyre spending light
across a million miles of time, waiting
for that one day for receiving a message,
a signal back—
All of Christ comes to those who wait—
Yes, you are still waiting,
static, resting, pulsing, I sing I see,
and have been this whole time.
I think I understand.)

The good book tells me to find love
in a man, hold out my lamp, seethe
and burn with trimmed wick. Sold.
Come die with me the good death then,
as a phoenix comes and comes again,
violently in the night as trumpets call it over.
I’ll wait if that’s what it takes.
I’ll wait like the last whisper of breath at death
I’ll wait when the leaves of autumn fall
I’ll wait buried deep in the ash.

Superfly's Secret Wife

Passion Vine Passiflora

Just say that outloud: Passiflora. It's sweet. Full. Like a peach, or better, a plum.

The coffee can't come fast enough today. I went on a popsicle bender last night and tried to sleep in front of the fire and it was so cozy with a belly full of Simply Fruit and the puppy but I kept waking up and now I suffer. So much for wanting campfire dreams.

We finish raking leaves today (damn leaves-my abdomen, legs, arms, butt are so sore) and laundry and generally getting the house ready for Thanksgiving. I'm so nervous to cook my own first Thanksgiving and especially in light of all the interfamily drama going on. I just hope, fingers crossed, nothing too bad blows up and if so, no one starts crying. The last thing I need is certain parties getting upset this weekend. Makes me want to do drugs.

I'm ready to see Katie.

I've got a way with words, she has a way with numbers

yellow walking iris, too rich for my taste


A lyric from one of my fav bands right now right out of Ft Smith, AR: A+ Setup. They have a myspace. You should visit it.

Got to work in the warehouse today with my ipod shuffles and that was fun. Catwalk strutting to Bowie while pulling boxes off incredibly high stacks. I've never minded working in a warehouse setting. I like goods packed away in plastic bubble wrap and boxes. And rockin' out at work is always fun!

Hanging mirrors and drinks with Fanny tonight makes me excited!!

Today I kept working on Christmas with:
-Hog tshirts and noses
-Venus comb
-Badical seashell candle holders
-silk drapes (ok those are for my bedroom)
-puppy treat jar (pupples wants Christmas too!!)
-gold painted faux coral art pieces (I can't even describe how awesome these are)

I lady I work with paid me the best compliment. I complimented her flowy 60s floral pattern skirt and she said I inspired her to dress more colorfully and vintagey and have more fun in her clothes! That was soo cool!!

Sometimes I don't feel like I can truly represent at work because I have to set an example and blah blah and work clothes in an office are alot different than work clothes in retail (more like going out clothes) but I still work my style, try and keep it day-time fierce if you know what I mean. Knee socks with short jumpers and blouses. Black tights, peep toe heels, crisp shirts and pencil skirts. Flowy 50s shirt-dresses. Palazzo pants or trouser jeans with vintage fabric swingcoats. That's what I've been rockin' lately to work. I've been so inspired by my little yellow blonde afro I have right now. It's so chic! I love Peter my new hair guy!!

Open a window to lift into your dreams

Sandwiches, Jeff Koons

This makes me incredibly happy. Jeff Koons is probably my favorite artist then Damien Hirst and I know that's very posh of me to say and very in and now but I can't help it. The works move me. They make me cry. They make me smile. I laugh and although it's never been hard to make me laugh if you know how, it's very important to me. I also like James Tate, Philip Seymore Hoffman, and pizzas without tomato sauce. That's how I flow with the crowd I guess.

So good for you Jeff Koons. My moma may not understand you but that's okay. I'm looking forward to seeing the Lever House lobby when we go.

Sending the remaining 1st Annual Wilson Holiday Fancy Party invitations out today. Now just plant bulbs, clean house, grocery shop for my first did-it-myself Thanksgiving, football, lose football, sleep sleep sleep.

I was happy to see Rob last night. I am so starving right now.

Sexy Sadie, you'll get yours yet!

Ireland is covered in fuschia in the Summertime.

Who is the best Holiday shopper in the land? Please, hold your applause. I am rounding out our household list of gifts with the quint. piece de resistance. Evolution Nature Store- you are my godsend. Shadowbox of penis bones? Don't mind if I do. Venus comb and stand, a perfect gift for my aunt and uncle! Cricket lollies! Perfect fun!

Christmas so far:
-Doodlebops dance mat
-Rainbow in my room
-Lavender Aveda gift set
-windup all weather radio
-Hubs secret gift
-sweaters (they're really cool sweaters)
-potato herb pots, Holly Golightly sleep mask, DIY charm bracelet (thank you Fred Flare!)
-Razorback t-shirts and hog noses
-more to come!

When we'd visit the city, we'd always hit this place up. It's just fun to be kid-like sometimes. I highly recommend having them pull out a few replica monkey skulls, orangutan, whatever. It's v. fun. I always knew I should've taken Biological Anthropology in college. I love bones.

Speaking of going back to school, looks like I'm signing up for Spanish again in January. I started taking it in working on my masters and because of all my French, started picking it up pretty easily. Probably would've come faster had I studied.

Such is life, so it goes.

nursing Springtime

Camping was wonderful fun. I wish I had had more energy to stay awake by the fire but waking up at dawn on the weekend will do that do you. Petit Jean is a great place to go hike around though. I can't wait to load up with the Hankins and do it again.

Finished planting all my bulbs for Spring. If it works out, we'll have some beautiful flowers after last frost.

My new favorite for more late Spring and Summer is ranunculus, here.

Also planted hyacinth, tons of daffodil and narcissus, paperwhites. The lot.


hyacinth


Metamorphasis of Narcissus, Dali 1937

Shake for me girl, I wanna be your backdoor man

Lord I just did so much work for this reunion that my back and brain hurt. At least it will get me off the hook for another month. Next big task is figuring how to collect people's money before go time so I don't have to personally pay for everything first bc that ain't happening. I'm, as how do you say, not having the monies.

It'll work out. I'm thinking people will just have to not be afraid of Paypal. And then I can set up a reunion account. (good) But then I think it will have to be tied to my credit card (bad). I really need to look into that. I also don't think peeps will be real excited at the price tag involved. But shit's expensive getting a reunion together!

Glad these Fridays are short days. I have too much to do after work to before we go camping! Very excited about camping and hiking and whatnot with Ed and Christin. I think we're going to have a blast!

To the coffee boys of the world

cleopatra sasanqua camillia

Had too many fair shares of long term crushes, insta-crushes, romances, and dates with the coffee boys of the world. Anytime day or night, they always know how to make me smile. And I appreciate it. Today, for instance, my perfect mental outfit ended up looking a bit adult Catholic school girl. I was working it in a hurry and out of time. Plus all the firemen and police in our yard for our corner hydrant didn't help get me to work any faster (another story) so I didn't have time to make coffee.

Run to local coffee place, order my favorite treat myself treat, vanilla latte (skim milk, the ole lactose allergy, you know), and the cutie coffee boy asks if I'm me and says, "You know, if you don't hear it again today, I want to make sure you know how good you look. Something about a woman in a blazer."

To which I blush, squeal inside, smile, say thanks, die a little like a little girl, grab my coffee and almost trip trying to run out the door. I'd like to say, Self, you handled that well!

But anyway to all the firemen trauma in my neighboorhood, I hope whatever you guys were doing there it's all okay in the end. God, what an awful thing to wake up to, whatever was happening.

Thai food for dinner, leftover thai food for lunch. In light of personal things going on, Hubs and I have been rather drained. He suggested a movie tonight. A good suggestion after tennis and more yard pickup. My very old antique rose is trying so hard to produce the most technicolor hot pink blooms right now. I'm thrilled it's planted right next to my Cleopatra Camillia who is also trying very hard to produce hot pink rimmed with live apricot center blooms right now. If only my Lenten Rose would get off it's ass and make some hot pink blooms like it's supposed to I can get my acid trip garden experience on the road!

When the leaves turn dark, I've got a hiding place in Central Park

We have some of the best friends ever. Thank you best friends. You are mucho appreciated.

Rediscovered The Capeman and still really like it. Espec. Trailways Bus. That song just kills me. So did the Alive Day: Stories from Iraq, the HBO special we'd tivo'd forever ago and Chris said he just couldn't handle to watch. (I'm so glad he's out of a newsroom). But I thought, I can handle it. War makes me emotional but not uncontrollable. I can take my share of gore and stories.

I was mistaken. I boo hoo'd all over the place. It was such an excellent interview series. The one man saying he was a grown man, 41 years old, with the brain of a 6 year old. He couldn't even remember his son's name and would call his brother, who helps him remember, but he'd have to call him at work, and it wasn't worth bothering him after all he'd done.

Just killer.

But it was well shot, James Gandolfini did a very good job of just sitting back and being quiet. Listening. Veterans. Wow.

ma vie en rose

orange jasmine, confederate jasmine,



Still in the mood for more flowers. I'm a crazy huge fan of jasmine. My plan next year is to cut some tree limbs and get more sun in the back yard and plant tons of differing jasmines. The bright waxy green leaves, the tiny blossoms, the fragrance, oh! I carry jasmine oil with me. It really works to set a mood. Also ylang ylang, but that's a whole 'nother story.

My eyes are crossed from analyzing price lists for bargains. I don't like hunting for bargains when it comes to clothes, definitely not when it comes to diapers. But it's part of my job. Pays bills and whatnotrot. But seriously, can I not at least get some speakers up in this bitch? I have to answer phones non-stop so my ipod shuffles won't work. I need XM radio! CMJ500 help!

Do you remember when you saw her last?

Some serious family stuff going down. Please think kindly of us. Me, my hubs. I may be able to explain more later, when we know more.

moma, I love you. Wouldn't know what to do without you.

St Joseph's Coat,









Painted Moon St. Albans,









Clotilde Soupert,

Y: The Last Man got me thinking

--Because genetic traits jump geographic barriers due to the universal need for community. No man is an island, and the nature of loss.--

sorry I had to get that out of my mouth before it left my brain. It's been that kind of day. Also working on some other junk:

When a couple separates, each party takes
on certain responsibilities. Caring for the estate,
the children, the trust. I will maintain the lawn.
You will maintain the dog. At least that’s what the memo reported.
The tiny scribbled handwriting that drives me insane.
The signature of a child given a pen.

Sitting at my desk, corner windows overlooking
the roses I had tended year after year, paying the bills online
made me not want to pay the bills online.
Strike with pathetic vengeance where one can.

After the birth of our second, the happiness all but drained
from his face, I asked, “Is it Spring where you are?
I clung here all Winter.” Just trying to be coy, the cost
Of a marriage.

I trained the roses to climb and hang over the iron fencing.
In not pruning, they turned feral after the years.
Old canes withered up for new Spring shoots, seed pods crumbling
under the weight of other blooms. I chose them red
for the nail polish I wouldn’t wear. For you?

If it wasn’t for you, it was only because I was tired.

See I got this email where you're supposed to contemplate the high divorce rate in the country and then list your name with your spouse's name and the day of the year you got married. I dunno, seemed a little weird and got me thinking the above. It's just thoughts right now but it might be nice to start writing again. Thing is, I put down my books to start writing again, to only want to be in books again.

I'll never win this war of words.

If you haven't read Y: The Last Man, it's highly enjoyable. You are wasting your time if you don't get up on it.

new place to think on things

here and now

test 1,2,3

A permanent move from myspace. Blog archive will begin.

I’ll remember to think of you tomorrow

Not sure if I told you, but I cut my hair off!! It's long-ish on top, curly curly oh my Lord it's SO curly, and blonde. If you must, and you must, google image Tori Amos + Heart of Gold. Laura and I agreed I would look best as the red headed one, except I'm blondy-brown but it's that kind of curl. It's so fucking killer. I have great friends that give me the boost I need. I was leaning more to not have it so short but really, what's the fun in that.

I wish I could invite everyone I know over for Thanksgiving. But I'll have family down and it just could be awkward. Not enough food, etc.You know, you know!

So work's the work. Mymymy. Tennis today after work. Tomorrow, for Friday and to celebrate the weekend with my girlfriends I'll be tan and blonde and peachy-cheeked. I'm really starting to feel fitter in my role at work and although it'll be a much while in coming, the confidence is there. I think the other girls really respect my work ethic and professionalism. They always comment on my voice. If that voiceover work ever comes through, I'll let you know. I'm still extremely curious how I sound in Shane's project.

My prego lady friend sent out a pic of her belly at only a few months. She's such a tiny one anyway that she'll soon be overwhelmed! But she's so naturally beautiful, that girl has never needed a drop of makeup, that I know I'll be so envious. They say glow like that, you can't bottle. Imagine me, envious of a pregnant woman.

Brother sent me Maddie's Halloween costume. She was the cutest little pink kitty cat! I can't wait to see more of her and being in LR is going to make a huge difference. I'm ready to see them again!

***********

Franke was making fun of me yesterday and it was funny. I've felt this immense need to blow off steam lately. And I feel really over it now, a good cup of coffee helps, a tan, some new lipstick and a new haircut, and ok I just got all those things. So I'm fine, right?

I've been a little short with my husband lately and everything's fine it's just, ha ha, he's always there! No joke! I guess that's what marriage is all about. And normally it's just fine. We spend our seperate time doing other things but I haven't had the ability lately so I was just getting a little tired, cranky. He has such good stride with me, so it took him climbing on the roof to clean it and Franke pressing me to go help him that I think if he fell that would just be terrible. It could completely end me. So needless to say, I got over it real quick. But I still need some time away. TGIF, dude