Monday, December 31, 2007

Blame it on the black star

Today is my first wedding anniversary with Husband!

Last night we were both laying in bed not believing it either. We'll go down to Hot Springs to spend time with our friends on the lake, eat our year old (nasty freezer burned) cupcakes, drink pink bubbly, and laze about on the docks bundled to the tips in hats and furry scarfs.

I look forward to it.
1 year, who'da thunk I'd make it out alive? Husband and I both agree, monogomy is somewhat a bitch.

Joined Facebook for the class reunion upon some good advice. Ha! Wow! There's just too much of this crap on the internet. I understand keeping up with people and it's been very helpful in only a weekend's time getting me in touch with folks, but still, wow. I guess I never need to work again! Just interneter all the live long day.

Long to reuionize about the end of July. Can't commit my own funds yet. This could be a problem.
Hubs got me the new MIA bc I've been a very good girl. It solely got me through my workout last night which is very impressive. I'm still debating if I like the 1st one better though. Need coffee.

Friday, December 28, 2007

down in the dumps, long in the face

Yes, I am on a Ween kick.

I can't believe I am going back to college again again again. Isn't once for 2 BA's with honors and once for half of a Master's degree (good through 2015 I might add) enough?

But no. I am going back to learn Espanol. Again again. For the second time. Not just for kicks this time.

Vewy intewesting.

and the Argus has practiced compassion

what times. If it weren't about to be such a joyous time, I would easily feel overwhelmed. But this is what my psyche thinks I'm ready for. So here I am, come and take me by the hand. Lead me, lead me, to the Beulah land.

Shall we go down by the water, let the mythic monsters swallow us whole?

Anyway Las Vegas was grand. We truly had a blast, looked smart all dressed to the 9s, won money, lost money, Husband got new shoes, I got to wear my fine new shoes. It was so much fun. And then he got sick and I got a little sick and that's just the price you pay for airline travel today.

Anyway Christmas was great. It was so good to see Maddie and I'm looking forward to having them over for traditional English Christmas feast on Saturday. I hope Chris is feeling better by then. A big roast, Yorkshire pudding, a trifle. The whole deal!

We got a beautiful Turkish rug from my parents that really seals our bedroom together. I can't wait to get started working on the master bath. Get that thing shaped up!

And well anyway. Met up last night with an (one of the) old boyfriend who's now in AA and needed to 9th step his way back into things. Make amends. Etc. He looked like he was going to choke on my engagement ring/wedding band. I'm glad he's in AA. I don't think he ever really could handle things, anything, and after convincing convincing convincing me he's happy, I guess I have to believe he is. And I should. But he's just so controlled by his dick and chasing "the dream" that I don't really see it until he can just be happy with himself. And in learning about myself, I know now that I can't ever make him happy. I can only work on myself, and I don't think I'm going to wait 6 months to test the soil. But it's good to make amends. It was good and appropriate that he apologized for leaving me waiting for so long. It really fucked me up, all that waiting, thinking he really meant it, when he never did. I feel like a big weight is gone and it really resolved some things between me and Husband. Some silent things that got in the way. I looked at the old boss, and I looked at the new boss, and up until last night there was still a tiny part of me that could have traded in on old romantic, charmed notions. Now I look at the old boss, and I can't help but feel sorry for him. I don't know if he'll ever get it. That to find true, ultimate happiness, a person like he (and like I) have to be willing to go there and sacrifice it all.

The whole time I was there, I just wanted to be back home, curled in our warm bed, with Husband.

I guess that is how the Argus practices compassion.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

for the teenage boys, for breaking your heart

Best night evar: Listening to the Low Christmas album driving around LR looking for Christmas lights. Then Climbing into bed and giggling.

Getting back on a jet plane. Me and my honey-do. Heading for Las Vegas. Christmas and a 1 year anniversary never looked so sweet. And now I have party shoes! ah! Gray and Yellow Patent! You are my heroes!

In the year 2000,

Dolphins will learn to talk. Unfortunately, they will be incredibly racist.

So my dad knows how to shop for Christmas! We go to buy my mom a rice cooker and the shoe dept. is just across the way. He looks at me and goes, "So, you want some shoes?" AHH!! YES YES YES!

So 1 get one pair to match my yellow party dress for Vegas and one pair of lovely brown leather booties with buttons for afterwards.

The Vegas shoes are a love child between these shoes but I can't find the exact picture.

So these Plus these Equals LOVE SHOES!

Earrings // Handcuffs

I can't stop listening to Fire Don't Care's song Hipster Murder Blues. You can find my lovely Sam "SamRex" King's website at Painting Was A Dinosaur and although Fire Don't Care's songs aren't for download there, Sam's pretty music is. So take advantage and throw him $5 for his efforts. AND you should totally check out his dinosaur paintings and buy one. I think we're ready to add another one (I bought Husband a custom pinks and purples sunset colors pterodactyl one as his wedding present) and it's just the most perfect thing.

UPDATE! You can download Hipster Murder Blues here as well you should. And if you're in Ft Smith, go see them play.

In other news, my loooong convo with brother Jake the other day was just what I needed. He appreciates my humor, I his, and he'll listen with feigned interest to my stories of back alley Chinatown hidden doors on quests for designer handbags . He's a good guy.

Fav recent quote of yore, Kitty Kelly, "Speak the truth, but ride a fast horse."

Catfish Christmas work lunch and then Christmas shopping with my dad and trying to magically zip "A Scanner Darkly" audiobook that I just downloaded and have no way to get home. Fun computer times!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

interesting thing I didn't know.

Don't get any big ideas
they're not gonna happen
You paint yourself white
and feel up with noise
but there'll be something missing

Now that you've found it, it's gone
Now that you feel it, you don't
You've gone off the rails

So don't get any big ideas
they're not going to happen
You'll go to hell for what your dirty mind is thinking

Sometimes Thom adds this verse when performing:

She stands stark naked and she beckons you to bed
don't go, you'll only want to come back again

Released: October 10, 2007 digitally, December 3, 2007 CD & Vinyl
Found on: In Rainbows
This song was originally introduced by the band as an untitled piece, but on Web sites it is often referred to as "Big Ideas (Don't Get Any)." Thom first heard this title from Matt Pinfield in a MTV interview for 120 Minutes. The title "Nude" is the title that appears on the band's set lists, though the song has never been referred to elsewhere by this name. The piece features both Thom and Jonny on keyboards, and it is as gorgeous and mysterious as both "Motion Picture Soundtrack" and "True Love Waits" as far as the unreleased material is concerned. Influenced by the notion that we live in a man's world, a place where men can get whatever they desire, the song also explores the guilt that men feel when they commit certain acts, like cheating on their partners.

In other news, I'm incredibly proud of brother Jake!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Make me laugh, say you know

I need a flash drive. I want it to be cool. So I actually googled "cool flash drives" and viola!

Weird space orange!

I'm prepared girl!

My porcupine!

Donkey bear!

Leggo my Lego!


So she prays for a prankster

The Marriage Bed

I lie on his chest—
I breathe up
for good rhythm is necessary for trying physical tasks
I breathe down—
A finger's stretch away from his nightdrawer
(and perfume samples, buttons, scrap paper, my love notes, our junk),
I breathe in
I breathe out.

This good man's chest—
I lie here as he wants me, slight, root difference from he lets me.
My husband, the cobber of seed.
Goofily, he dances, calling the rain when I ask for rain.
It hits my beds, grows my collective garden—
Along with the steady disappearance of house trinkets, I think
This man will make an excellent father.

He doesn't let on seeing the footpath the next morning
or the mudstreaks at the foot of the bed;
Ignoring that the ranunculus sprout tin foil rings
and how the hyacinth push up small ceramic birds,
my husband holds back nothing of me.
It is this, one day, I hope to actually see.

While we breathe together in the mornings,
I calendar out the librations of the moon for night planting.
I temper the ground with surprises
to not forget made promises.
The fern tickle my feet as I slide into their cover.
It was foolish of me to come.
I will miss him forever when I go.

So this is a 2nd revision. I could have made it worse. I just kept seeing all these correlations in what I wanted to say and things I've been trying to say. Next subject up: Animal Husbandry. There's just too much to say here. Maybe I said too much. But for now, I kinda like it.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Feliz Navidad!!!

Feliz Navidad!!!

I wanna wish you a merry Christmas! I wanna wish you a merry Christmas! I wanna wish you a merry Christmas from the bottom of my hear-ar-ar-t!

I LOVE pop Christmas music!

Just 1 more, Invisible Monsters et je suis complet the works of Chuck Palahniuk and then just a couple and I will be finished with the most current works of Bret Easton Ellis. These deranged minds, these men, my lovelies. I don't know what draws me to them. Glamourama was such a pain in my ass but I loved it entirely. Nothing holds a candle to American Psycho so far in this new America genre. Lovell still owes me for my copy of Haunted that he burned. I believe Palahniuk's newest, Rant, is my favorite of his with Choke being a close second. Maybe they tie. Choke was pretty damn good. I don't know what has gotten into me, but completing catalogues is my new marathon bike training. Maybe Santa Baby will bring me some more books this year!

So then Love walked up to Like,

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

Lots has been changing in me lately and the turn of the tide is what, as it feels, I've been waiting for my whole life. I thank God, Innana, Samael, Vishnu, Ydaobaol, St. Christopher, Saklas, Jesus, Mohammed, Lillith, all the rest, all the above. It doesn't matter. I'm just thankful.

In examining myself, my life, really checking things out, peeking under the cushions, toothbrush cleaning the nooks, I'm finding that when I'm ready to tackle something, it magically appears, ready for me to tackle it. I can't explain it as I don't really believe in coincidences but it's truly powerful. Amazing. Awesome.

And so I had come over mountains and moraines in my heart. I was tired, feeling a little bit defeated but accepting. I had a good man's hand holding up my backbone, telling me I was good.

And then my mom and I went to New York and had a wonderful time but it felt terse in the beginning. And maybe it was me, maybe she could tell, maybe it was her, maybe it was both, but she opened up to me. She told me some things about herself. She told me how her lessons were hard to learn and maybe she hadn't been the best guide for me. She told me it was okay to love wrongly, too often, never reciprocated, until it hurt (as I had always thought I was alone, she told me she too had always thought she had been alone). In so many words she told me it was okay to be exactly who I am today.

I didn't know it until it was all over, but it was the one thing I've ever needed her to say. It's not like my moma and I don't have fierce love for each other. It's just that we didn't know how to be with that love. In so many words, in so many words, in so many words. It's obviously not verbatim.

The rest of our trip was wonderful. I accidentally made us walk 3 miles for a cupcake, a v. delicieux cupcake, but a cupcake all the same (mine was chocolate with violet icing!) Friday we spent 14 straight hours wandering. We shopped like plunderers. Ate magnifique French food and drank Manhattans and Brooklyn lagers. Zut alors!

After that night, I breathe differently now. I literally inhale at a different pace. And I shared my new love and Husband and I have decided it is time we owned our 30s (we're not there yet, but it makes for good practice). Own them not like we didn't own our 20s but with purposes higher than getting laid and getting paid (sorry, his words, not mine).

one, two, three, four, five, six, nine, and ten.
money can't buy you back the love that you had then.
-I just really love this one song.

When I finally arrived home, I knew, like I've always known deep down in my heart but was too afraid to actually speak it, I knew I had made the right decision. Samael, that one was all for you baby.

I found some old writings that I think I might drag out and actually work on sometime soon. But then again, I do have to sign up for the pottery wheel throwing class at the arts center!

For my porcupines!


and then, (hold breathe, bite tongue) here.

You can buy your way to freedom. New York was so different this time. More on that later.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

there was someone else through his flint glass

Sometimes I am in the way to be thinking that things of course will be fine. As Husband points out, but lovingly so, I let others conveniently enter and leave at their pace and I am the one who always gets hurt. For many reasons, there were many tears tonight.

So I wrote something not at all complete but it works well enough for me.

The Marriage Bed

I lay on his chest-
I breathe up
I breathe down-
A finger's stretch away from his nightdrawer
(and perfume samples, pens, scrap paper, my love notes, our junk)
I breathe in
I breathe out.

This good man's chest-
I lay here because he wants me, only a few letters difference from he lets me.
My husband is a keeper of my futures.
He calls the rain that hits our roof, grows
my collective garden;

He doesn't let on seeing the footpath the next morning
or the mudstreaks at the foot of the bed;
the steady disappearance of house trinkets.
My husband holds back nothing of me.
It is this, one day, I hope to actually see.

I plant this garden to not forget-
he sleeps beside me
It was foolish of me to come.
I will miss him forever when I go.

you could say my name, like you knew my name

I love Pandora! It brings me all the goodies music goodies I haven't heard in years. The colors and the kids by Cat Power is such an amazing song that I probably haven't heard or even thought about in at least 5 years.

Trying to email myself this Jay-Z, Led Zepplin smashup and it just ain't working. hmmm ways around the laws of time and space...

My future sister-in-law, who I LOVE, and I were talking at her birthday about growing older, growing up. She and I are closely the same age and both feel like this is our first time around the block. That we have to rush to feel and experience new things. She loves the outdoors (and Jager! ha!). I love traveling. We both constantly feel like there's just too much to do and not enough time. We're not even 30 but there's this rush, or there used to be anyway. We're both kinda at that slowing down, settling down points in our lives. Or something. In feeling so new to things, emotions become so raw. Sometimes I wish I could go back and just hug that little, afraid girl I used to be. Just let me know what kind of lights were ahead.

Bad thing about Pandora, you can't go backwards. Totally sucks sometimes!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

A change in your America

When it's time, this is what I want to grow my 'fro into. (She looks so much like old pics of my moma from the 70s here. Is that the attraction? Part of it?)

Eeek! So excited. New York coming up. Then Las Vegas! And Husband's Christmas present finally arrives today so I can go ahead and give that to him! We're no good at waiting-He's already given me mine! A loverly yellow gold on one side and white gold on the other fine, delicate omega chain. It was too adorable having him explain an omega chain to me. He's so on, always trying to get me beautiful jewelry, always with the promise that the jewelry will get bigger and better as time goes on, like I need to hear that, like I don't just know that about him, like he still has to convince me that he's the best for me, for us. It makes me smile big times smiles!

So yes, going back to New York. We went for part 1 of our honeymoon (Ireland was part 2) and before that I used to go about once a year for work or fun, to visit friends. It's so strange to me that at one point in my life I tried so hard to get there. My dream jobs were to start at Maxim in NY, work my way to Chicago and Playboy. Live my magazine dreams (I love both those magazines, still subscribed along with Elle and Vogue up until a few months ago when I ended all my magazine subscriptions for actual books) but then I had my car wreck, moved, PT and graduate school, moved, dated a guy (and ended up marrying his best friend), opened my stores, closed them, moved. And all in that time, I kept feeling this tug towards NY, that eventually became the slight pull it remains now. It was better I never made it there in the first place. Real fist of God kind of shit. And I've had a few chances to get there since. Job opportunities that I applied for and were offered to me. Marni that I couldn't get. Wal-Mart that I could. (How depressing is that? haha)

But my life needed a man like Husband in it. I owed my family some respect. I owed myself some respect. My family needed me to work for them. I needed to work in the real world. All in all, things turned out just fine. But Jesus, what a trip.

So now there's a long weekend in the city to celebrate the holidays with moma and Christmas in Las Vegas to celebrate our 1st anniversary with Husband. And along in there I get to see The Lion King and Beatle's Love (again!!!). So much Broadway!

Monday, December 10, 2007

the stars gather you back to their home

The 1st Annual Wilson Holiday Fancy Party was a huge success. My food was good, the house looked great, everyone looked so smart all dressed up, we had good fun. Part of me wished I could have stayed up longer but I was so exhausted!

"Should we break some bread? Are you interested?"

Favorite new song: Waiting by Mary McCaslin, popular folk singer in the late 70s. You know I could really care less about the male folk singers of the time. Bob Dylan just doesn't really interest me at all, never has, but then you have some of these women, armed with a guitar/harp/autoharp and talking about giving away their babies, taking magical journies to lands without war, being the persona of Mary Magdelene (see McCaslin), supporting their man's needle habit or drink. Aside from Knockin' of Heaven's Door (which really is such a well written premise, such gospel feel), you can keep 'em.

Yesterday was such a great, post party, sitting by the lit fire, eating leftover mini-quiches kind of day. Watched alot of movies. The Clint Eastwood Iwo Jima movie (eh, I heard the Japanese pov one was much better, hopefully, this one was fairly boring), Alpha Dog (which was surprisingly Wonderful! Really intuitive, even JT did well), the latest Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job with Oswald Patton in the Beaver Boys sketch was great, and a Man Vs Wild marathon. All that one really needs to break up all the dishes we had to wash and floors we had to clean.

I love throwing parties!

Friday, December 7, 2007

Please just make sure you make it this weekend

The party won't be much without you.

And also read this and laugh. (Don't forget the comment section at the bottom!)

I love you.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

but as always the thing that he loves he will change.

We watched Knocked Up, finally, I know I know, last night. It was funny, yes, in that way that stoner films-gone serious are funny, and it was poignant, esp. in our, um, how do they call it, post 9/11, gen Y, radically anti-radical blah blah blah era that we live in (and yes, can you belive people still say post 9/11? Jesus give me a break). But mostly to me and Hubs, it was just outright terrifying and uncomfortable.

The laughs were uncomfortable. The plot was uncomfortable. The characterization, uncomfortable. I dunno. I could stand to never watch it again, save Paul Rudd's parts. (Cirque de Soleil on mushrooms?! Holy smokes!)

Thought I would change it up today and cruised over to Rolling Stone's site. What a waste. There used to be some pretty good stories come out of RS over the years. Now it's just the same old lame year end best song ever countdowns (Gee let me guess, Bob Dylan every time) and Grammy roundups and MTV and if they hadn't noticed, MTV sucks. Worst is its gotten so pathetic even the irony isn't funny anymore.

Let's go find us some cock fights

Lovell, your secrets are up!


Do you even see me now?

Balenciaga shoes I desperately don't have the money to afford.

Yohji Yamamoto, cloud hat, 2003(ish?)

Party planning starts tonight for the 1st Annual Wilson Holiday Fancy Party (thanks Hubs for the name)!! Moma is in town to help me cook and we clean house tonight and get it all ready. I am going to OWN Saturday! yippee!!

Today is one of those days where I wish I'd spent more time talking to Husband this morning over coffee. I miss him right now and I know I'll get to see him in a matter of hours, but I just wished I'd paid more attention. He looked so sharp in his new green shirt. I'm so glad he lets me dress him in color! He's so handsome! Eee! I'm ready to rush home into his arms!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Come on home, the poppies are all grown knee-deep by now

Husband is back to me. I sure did miss him in November. Friends I know are coming home for the December rush but I'll probably or definitely miss them. I'm gone so much in December, places much colder with frosted silver metal, and places much warmer with red rocks and desert sun. Being home makes me wish everyone would move back, come home. The women and the men we're all growing into. I do love seeing everyone.

Although, as became finally concrete with Jon Krakauer's Into the Wild, boys must do those things that make them "good men". They must be in rock bands and tour, they must move to big cities, have San Franciscan gallery shows, become pilgrims in their own minds. My friend Lameliar coined this "the empty threat." The threat that it's ok to become a truck driver for the experience, move to the Antarctic, backpack Europe in circles endlessly, teach English in Manilla, move in with Navajo ancestors, all for the experience, no matter how lonely he becomes or who he leaves behind.

And although, as has become concrete in countless Naomi Wolfe essays, late night porch talks, and Tionna's advice columns, women can't have empty threats, and we know it. And deep down inside, I'm trying to figure out if it upsets us as a whole sex. Whatever is innately there, to settle, to nest, is there. Yes, I know women who have been gone a long, long time but, who I have no doubt, will eventually return bc it's just not a good thing to be that far away from home. Or women who move bc their husbands move, without/with asking, and they have no choice, but they make it their home.

And I've lived a lot of places, but mostly it's home, and although I can travel wherever I want and this option works much better for me in the longrun, it's not like I ever really had much choice in the cards I was given. It was always left up to the men to go, seek fortune, hopefully return. When husband's band, back before he was husband, were playing and talking touring, extensive touring, we, the girlfriends, the wives, were never even included in the plans of coming along. Or even meeting up! It was just known that we stayed, made the home. The best way I heard it, "We weren't asked to give up our dreams of working so that they could have their dreams of playing."

Anyway, there's no bitterness involved. My girlfriends I've spoken to on the topic honestly just accept their post, to speak, and move on. But still.

And still, I take a lot of pride in knowing how well I've made our home.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Smile, You Are Alive (mostly just wanted to share my new haircut)

New Hair Cuts, Peter you Gawd!

Husband and I decided, after a yummy nosh at PF Chang's (we had to try it once), and driving around listening to The Glow Pt 2 ((v. um, good? is that the right way? I like the Ice song the best personally, on that other album) Hubs loves The Microphones, can't get enough)) and seeing this sign (see headline title) on the corner of Bauman and Markham, that while our friends telling us we have bad/weird tastes isn't offensive to us (although it could be), us telling them they had markedly mediocre tastes would be incredibly offensive to them. We could never play Ween's "Your Party" or any Ween song for that matter without derisive looks. At least we'll always be able to have our inside jokes when those songs do come on. And at least I really like that Scartissue song by Red Hot Chili Peppers. There, everyone's happy now! (((!!!))) whatever.

All the way from Borneo, a stiff wind, a full sail

I heart Maakies. (all this is copyrighted n' shit)

They had a short run on Adult Swim a while back (maybe a season or 2, can't remember) but it's almost too long at a 15 minute stint, just long enough as a comic strip. All hail Tony Millionaire.

PS: In case you were wondering, the decidedly lame-o Lean Cuisine lunch campaign soldiers on. Today, the actually tasty Beef Burgundy. I was quite taken with how not-tough the beeflets were.

contre nous

Hannah Liden, Untitled, 2005

Searching to see what ole Katerina Jebb is up to (sadly her site is down, the only page for a while used to be a beautiful tarte postcard featuring a woman's photocopied nipple signed "To Hef, xoxo Katerina"-completely it), I've found a new photographer I'm really into.

Hanna Liden, with her ghastly nudes, grim reapers, and Scandinavian lore. She's terrific!

Haircuts today. Going back blonde white girl 60s afro. I'm so pumped.

Hubs is bringing the flash drive home so I can transfer all my girly mess of music onto his super computer and dance around cooking for the party with my shuffles. He also told me my Christmas present came in so I must slip him a mickey and go snooping! I love Krimmas times!!

Party Saturday. We're already on: The Final Countdown!

Monday, December 3, 2007

and jamaica, do you know what I have done?

More fabulous womens I need more of in my life:

Aimee Mann, of course, god she kills. It's Not is one of the best, most well written songs ever. KILLS.

Also now, Charlotte Martin, Veins EP, song Root. Takes a sec to catch on and then that chorus slams in and you're like wow (and by you, I of course, mean me). A plus for Tori lovers.

I need restaurant suggestions for New York. We always like to have something planned and it's going to be so cold, so the more plans the better. EEE!! I can't wait!

Can you bear a little longer to wear that leash?

Diane Cluck, I want to swim in your hair.

Oh Joanna Newsome Pandora radio station that I created. Chock full of Joanna Newsome, Nina Nastasia, Mirah, (can I also add the incredible Diane Cluck - god she's so beautiful too) all the lovely ladies of folk.

My favorite lyric of today:

Can you bear a little longer to wear that leash?
My love, I swear by the air I breathe:
Sooner or later, you'll bare your teeth

But for now, just dance, darling
C'mon, will you dance, my darling?
Darling, there's a place for us
Can we go, before I turn to dust?
Oh my darling, there's a place for us

-Monkey + Bear, Joanna Newsome, Ys

I spend my days balancing multi-million dollar checkbooks. I dream in 1s and 0s.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

what it was, incarnation

Go immediately and listen to Sufjan Stevens's Concerning The UFO Sighting Near Highland, IL. It has been my life theme today. It's perfect.

Working out The Graveyard by Tori on the piano next. We'll see. Can't get no Fiona Apple illegally. Some REM tunes are also on my list.

I don't know if I'll ever be going to WWT again although suprisingly Sarah Hughes band was really rocking. My beautiful high shoes on the other hand, were completely a bad choice. But I looked cute and that redhead noticed. Ha. And to that girl, you were so completely wrong about me. But I ain't mad atcha.