Monday, December 17, 2007

So then Love walked up to Like,

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

Lots has been changing in me lately and the turn of the tide is what, as it feels, I've been waiting for my whole life. I thank God, Innana, Samael, Vishnu, Ydaobaol, St. Christopher, Saklas, Jesus, Mohammed, Lillith, all the rest, all the above. It doesn't matter. I'm just thankful.

In examining myself, my life, really checking things out, peeking under the cushions, toothbrush cleaning the nooks, I'm finding that when I'm ready to tackle something, it magically appears, ready for me to tackle it. I can't explain it as I don't really believe in coincidences but it's truly powerful. Amazing. Awesome.

And so I had come over mountains and moraines in my heart. I was tired, feeling a little bit defeated but accepting. I had a good man's hand holding up my backbone, telling me I was good.

And then my mom and I went to New York and had a wonderful time but it felt terse in the beginning. And maybe it was me, maybe she could tell, maybe it was her, maybe it was both, but she opened up to me. She told me some things about herself. She told me how her lessons were hard to learn and maybe she hadn't been the best guide for me. She told me it was okay to love wrongly, too often, never reciprocated, until it hurt (as I had always thought I was alone, she told me she too had always thought she had been alone). In so many words she told me it was okay to be exactly who I am today.

I didn't know it until it was all over, but it was the one thing I've ever needed her to say. It's not like my moma and I don't have fierce love for each other. It's just that we didn't know how to be with that love. In so many words, in so many words, in so many words. It's obviously not verbatim.

The rest of our trip was wonderful. I accidentally made us walk 3 miles for a cupcake, a v. delicieux cupcake, but a cupcake all the same (mine was chocolate with violet icing!) Friday we spent 14 straight hours wandering. We shopped like plunderers. Ate magnifique French food and drank Manhattans and Brooklyn lagers. Zut alors!

After that night, I breathe differently now. I literally inhale at a different pace. And I shared my new love and Husband and I have decided it is time we owned our 30s (we're not there yet, but it makes for good practice). Own them not like we didn't own our 20s but with purposes higher than getting laid and getting paid (sorry, his words, not mine).

one, two, three, four, five, six, nine, and ten.
money can't buy you back the love that you had then.
-I just really love this one song.

When I finally arrived home, I knew, like I've always known deep down in my heart but was too afraid to actually speak it, I knew I had made the right decision. Samael, that one was all for you baby.

I found some old writings that I think I might drag out and actually work on sometime soon. But then again, I do have to sign up for the pottery wheel throwing class at the arts center!

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