Friday, December 28, 2007

and the Argus has practiced compassion

what times. If it weren't about to be such a joyous time, I would easily feel overwhelmed. But this is what my psyche thinks I'm ready for. So here I am, come and take me by the hand. Lead me, lead me, to the Beulah land.

Shall we go down by the water, let the mythic monsters swallow us whole?

Anyway Las Vegas was grand. We truly had a blast, looked smart all dressed to the 9s, won money, lost money, Husband got new shoes, I got to wear my fine new shoes. It was so much fun. And then he got sick and I got a little sick and that's just the price you pay for airline travel today.

Anyway Christmas was great. It was so good to see Maddie and I'm looking forward to having them over for traditional English Christmas feast on Saturday. I hope Chris is feeling better by then. A big roast, Yorkshire pudding, a trifle. The whole deal!

We got a beautiful Turkish rug from my parents that really seals our bedroom together. I can't wait to get started working on the master bath. Get that thing shaped up!

And well anyway. Met up last night with an (one of the) old boyfriend who's now in AA and needed to 9th step his way back into things. Make amends. Etc. He looked like he was going to choke on my engagement ring/wedding band. I'm glad he's in AA. I don't think he ever really could handle things, anything, and after convincing convincing convincing me he's happy, I guess I have to believe he is. And I should. But he's just so controlled by his dick and chasing "the dream" that I don't really see it until he can just be happy with himself. And in learning about myself, I know now that I can't ever make him happy. I can only work on myself, and I don't think I'm going to wait 6 months to test the soil. But it's good to make amends. It was good and appropriate that he apologized for leaving me waiting for so long. It really fucked me up, all that waiting, thinking he really meant it, when he never did. I feel like a big weight is gone and it really resolved some things between me and Husband. Some silent things that got in the way. I looked at the old boss, and I looked at the new boss, and up until last night there was still a tiny part of me that could have traded in on old romantic, charmed notions. Now I look at the old boss, and I can't help but feel sorry for him. I don't know if he'll ever get it. That to find true, ultimate happiness, a person like he (and like I) have to be willing to go there and sacrifice it all.

The whole time I was there, I just wanted to be back home, curled in our warm bed, with Husband.

I guess that is how the Argus practices compassion.

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