Thursday, October 11, 2007

hip displaysia

Mother do you think they'll try and break my balls?

ha that Pink Floyd line is singing through my head over and over and making my giggle. Day has been long. Glad it's almost over. This last 30 minute home stretch is golden. And then get a little jump on with the Hubs and on the road to end finally finally our chapter of Fayetteville. And all is as it should be. Thank you Jebus.

Dinner last night was wonderful. I think my brother and I are truly at that place where we want to really actually be friends. It's such a strange thing to hear of how people relate to their siblings, have relationships. I've never really known how and I don't blame myself one bit for it but it's just strange when people know at any given moment mostly what their brothers and sisters are doing. And to think, for really the first time last night I felt like a sister. For the first time. Stranger in a strange land for sure. It was just so natural last night.

Sometimes I really wonder what my other 2 brothers are doing. Where they are. They didn't mean anything by it, I know. They were too young, too freshly married to take on a almost 6 year old sister as a child. Like a child. But then I look at these big families. All the age gaps and differences and it really hurts, why that couldn't have been us. me.

It terrifies Chris to think on it, but that's why I always have and still want lots of kids. Surround myself in love like a warn blanket of thankfulness.

I forgive my brothers what they couldn't possibly understand but I can never give them the opportunity to know me again. Holding on to that confusion about my place as long as I have makes it what I have left of that part of my family. I could never give that up, or worse, give it back to them. Because then I'd be holding nothing and my life thus far would turn into thin air.

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