Golden Hordes

Birthday Beltaine was supposed to be this weekend, and it still is, but where it was 80 degrees and my plants were blooming when I planned it, it is now 32 degrees and my plants are frozen.

I put alot of work into it, but I also did so knowing that one's not supposed to plant in our zone until after April 17th. I find this gardening, or yardening as I like to call it, fascinating. Digging my hands in the ground, my bare hands, feels good. It feels productive. It lets me think and toughens me up. I've had cyprus splinters 3 inches long jammed under my fingernails, rusty nails piercing my palm (that hurts, it really really hurts, for days), sweat and sweat and sweat and I love it. It lets me think, and it tires me in a way that's so refreshing. I deserve it. I like watching things grow. Even if my cucumbers never fruit or my jasmine never creeps. I'm successful at the living.

On the other hand, I feel a very strong pull, while digging in all this dirt, to get back in my gospels. Chris is worried, and probably rightfully so, that I'll turn into some crystal wearing, druid rite practicing, Rag Time Roast Beefy, Kaballahist, but I probably won't. It's strange. As what I believe, I have no qualms with exploring this side. 75% of energy is dark matter and if we equate that with evil, then 75% of everything is "evil." But it's not. It's just darkness. I'm not afraid of listening to what it's telling me. I'm just not sure that once I let go, anyone but Chris will understand where I've gone. In researching my life line, it's been suggested that I seek to find Ydabaol, origin of all power. For now, it's just good reading. It opens me up. It's let me know I deserve to be loved. But later, when I can't control it.

Screw it, I don't want to control it.