Monday, November 3, 2008

I promised you I‘d set them to verse so I'd always remember

Sometimes there's just not enough days in a life. The stress is really starting to crush me, all goodwill I have left, all ability to lift my head. I need this election to be over, things in my family to be normal (or at least heading down that path, easing down that road), I need to start feeling again. I feel like I have just had to put so much of myself on hold lately, to not feel, because it's just too damn stressful and I can see that single small thread of slipping away.

Ahgh, stress. What's in a dame?

The funeral was nice. At the visitation my grandmother looked better than she had in 3 years. I know it's makeup and lighting, but she glowed and really looked asleep. It was comforting. Nice. And the service was beautiful. We had lovely warm weather. We spent the weekend visiting her birthplace in Wild Cherry, Arkansas. Saw the little stone foundation, the house long, long gone, set above a little creek and a bend in the road. Walnut trees overgrown and almost ominous, protective.

Even though we'd been preparing, no one was prepared. It's a shame there is still as much unfinished business left in the family and things left unsaid that will never now be said, and hugs left ungiven that will now, never be given.

My family is so damn complicated and it just really is a sticking topic. Makes me incredibly sad most of the time to speak of it.

I've seen your bravery, and I will follow you there
And row through the nighttime
Gone healthy
Gone healthy all of a sudden
In search of the midwife
Who could help me
Who could help me
Help me find my way back in
There are worries where I've been

Needless to say, I'm needing more Joanna Newsom than a sane person should.

So what did I do, soon as I came home? Dyed my hair brown of course. The brown of winter brown. And in a way it gives me a good sigh of relief.

So Halloween night, still at the farm, after having spent the early evening passing out candy at the volunteer fire department where my cousin is chief, Husband and I drove across the Missouri line, bought some beer, and came back to grab the gator (like a 4 wheeler kind of thing), and we drove across the farm and up to the ridge. Halloween night, the fog was so thick, it was straight out of a horror film. We didn't think to bring a flashlight, so when we arrived at the top of the ridge and cut the light, it was completely dark. So dark. I'd never been in darkness that dark. The clouds parted and we watched the stars light up, and it's so far in the country up there that we could even see star clusters, small galaxies. The wilderness noises were terrifying at times, until we realized the giant shadows weren't bear (and we have brown bear up there), but in fact cows! haha. So we sat up there 5 hours, in total darkness, among the puma, bear, deer, turkey, owl, bats, bald eagles (we have a nest on the farm), crickets, and bugs and bugs we talked about our lives. From about 8pm to 1am or so.

There have been some rifts in us lately, mostly just off timing, and it was good to clear it all up. That night, bundled in my Aran Islands sweater and Carhart brand heavy hooded jackets, I loved my Husband the most I've ever loved him.

I think we'll pull out of this all but it may take some time yet.

AND all this election stuff is almost over so I can put that stress behind me. I hope and pray for Obama. Fingers crossed. I need a dance party.

Where my ladies at? Seriously.

No comments: