The girl you lost to cocaine

This song by Sia has been on repeat in my car and my mind for months now. Especially today.


I've stuck around, through thick and through thin
You cannot deny, I've always been in
But I've watched you stand, still as a snowman
But I don't see you change, you're always at meltdown

Yeah I've been your crutch, your smell sight and touch
Yeah I took you home when you've drunk too much
But I can't survive, with you by my side
See I'll never get laid, while I'm running your life

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate

So just cut me loose, learn to tie your shoes
There's somebody here, I'd like to introduce
So look in the mirror, look for the glass
'Cause you're not my problem, you are my last

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
I'm just a girl that you lost to cocaine

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Yesterday, I was so proud. I rode my bike while Hubs golfed. Warmed up, up over the Big Dam Bridge, opposite side of the river from Heifer Project (the furthest I've ever been), decided out of pure curiosity, to keep going. Past the skate park and the 14 year old lost boys and their hidden cigarettes, through all the underbrush, past the homeless camp where the one guy pumped his fist as I flew past, kept going. Popped out in catfish town on the edge of Argenta. Figured, I was closer to keep going than to turn around. Pushed. Pushed. Came to the bridges, over the Argenta bridge (terrifyingly high, the Arkansas River swelled and bursting from all the rain), into downtown Little Rock, praying the whole time no one would open their car doors on me. The trolley dinged it's bell at me. Past the Salvation Army Homeless Depot, under the bridges in hobo town, past the wharf warehouses, and back. I made it just in time for lightening strikes and Husband listening to Missy Elliott. Cheeks flushed, I could barely walk (my bad knee was really hurting), he loaded my bike into the truck. Home times. Scrabble. Scallops for dinner. Sleep. Deepest sleep in ages.

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Sweet Pee, I did it. In so many ways. Thank you.
love,
Mrs. Doo